The Horizontal Mambo
by helloXOsweetie
Summary: River Song surprises 11 in the TARDIS with a booty call. However, things get out of hand (not surprising when River Song is around) when machinery is accidentally pressed on the console. Hilarity ensues :D


Welcome Whovians!

This is my first Doctor Who story, first and foremost, so I hope it came out decent. I was rifling through a magazine about the solar system one dull morning at work, and that is how this little plot bunny arose. 11/River post wedding.

Sadly, I'm not British, but I tried to make everything sound authentic. Excuse any errors on that part. Feel free to leave reviews at the end!

Disclaimer: BBC owns it all, not me sadly. But if anybody knows how I could rent the TARDIS for a day, please let me know :D

…

The Doctor decided that he needed some down time. And what better place to do it than on the breathtaking cliffs of Härlig, watching the double sunset?

The TARDIS materialized with its all too familiar shudder, and the Doctor excitedly hopped towards the door, eager to enjoy the view that lay outside the worn, wooden doors. And what a view it was.

He paused in the doorway as the setting suns cast a golden glow upon his face. The TARDIS had materialized a few meters from the cliff's edge, and the view was astounding. The cliffs were the color of a darkened terra cotta, and they curled around in front of him, to his left. The turquoise ocean was kissing the peachy sand below, the tendrils of water stretching as far as they could before being pulled away. He closed his eyes, letting the warmth soak into his face. It felt amazing to bask in the glow of an actual sun, instead of all the artificial sunlight produced by the TARDIS in the gardens.

All he needed now was a good cuppa and a fire to enjoy the evening.

The Doctor turned around, contemplating which of the 2,147 varieties of tea currently stocked in the TARDIS kitchen he wanted to have this evening when suddenly his feet were knocked out from beneath him, sending him sprawling onto the transparent floor near the console.

A string of Gallifreyan expletives horrid enough to make Rassilon use up the remainder of his regeneration cycle tainted the air of the control room, and the TARDIS, prude that she is, did not support his choice of vocabulary. She electrified the floor beneath him. He yelped, scrambling backwards, desperately trying to get to his feet.

He felt a railing behind him, and just as he latched on, a heel-clad foot landed in the middle of his chest…a very red heel. The Doctor moved his eyes up, discovering the long, lean leg that was surely the owner of the foot currently holding him to the ground. A matching silk robe came into view, followed by an impressive pair of breasts. Finally, he reached the face of the woman peering down at him. His mouth went dry.

"Hello, sweetie."

"River, I—how did you—why—"

"Sssh, sweetie," She pressed a lacquered finger against his lips, "Vortex manipulator, remember?" She held up the wrist that had the device strapped onto it. "I figured out how to program it so that it would get me inside the TARDIS…no worries, though, love. She knew it was me, didn't you, old girl?"

The TARDIS hummed an affirmation, purring contentedly at River's voice.

"You _hacked_ into my TARDIS?" He stared, dumbfounded. River laughed throatily, and Rassilon, it washed over him like a hot cuppa on a nippy morning.

"Sweetie, you and I both know the TARDIS isn't daft enough to allow anyone other than myself hack into her."

The TARDIS hummed again, confirming.

River removed her foot from the Doctor, and he slowly stood up. He gulped upon River's heated stare, hands flying to his neck to nervously fluff his bowtie. It was red today.

"Why are you here?"

She purred sexily. "Hmm…still must be early in your timeline if you are seriously asking me that question. Where are you now, anyways?" River stepped closer to him, a perfectly manicured hand sliding beneath his left brace, curling around the dark material.

"What are you—?"

She pulled him by the brace until she had him wedged between the console and her body. Both hands were on the braces now, moving at a torturous pace up his torso.

"I'm not allowed to seduce my husband after I haven't seen him in so long?" She husked.

"I—well, uh…"

She silenced him by pressing her lips to his. His arms flew akimbo before he found his control and hesitantly planted his palms on her shoulders. This bloody regeneration. He was a two thousand year old Time Lord, for Rassilon's sake, and this body rewarded him with the reflexes of a pubescent teenage boy.

"Oh, I love it when I bump into younger versions of you. Seducing you never gets old."

In one swift move courtesy of River, the braces slid down his arms and came to dangle by his thighs.

"River-

She shushed him by pressing her lips to his once more, arching her body so that the two Time Lords were sealed together. Her hands trailed down his cheeks, and continued downwards, tweaking his bowtie, then traveling down his chest until they grabbed hold of the button on his trousers.

She pulled away from the lust-stricken Doctor, who stood with his mouth agape. He licked his lips and swallowed. River gave him a filthy smirk before she provocatively lowered herself to her knees, aligning her face with the Doctor's crotch.

River licked her lips before using her teeth to drag the zipper down, and couldn't help but chuckle when she felt his legs stiffen. Her hands moved to tug his trousers down to his knees, and she wasn't surprised to see the outline of his hard cock pressing against his TARDIS blue boxer briefs.

She looked him in the eye, sinking her teeth into her bottom lip as her arm returned to her side. When it came back into view, the robe was no longer concealing her naked body. His cock jumped against the fabric, and she let out a gasp.

"Oh, _, that gets me so hot." His name rolls off her lips in a desperate whisper, and he groans.

River's hands shoved off his pants the rest of the way down his body, and his eager member sprang into her face. Without missing a beat, she slides the head between her painted lips.

"Ah, River…" He growls, knuckles whitening as his fingers curl around the edge of the console. He throws his head back, panting heavily into the artificial air.

The nails on one of her hands rakes down his thigh, and the other pumps him in tandem with the ministrations from her mouth. He looks down at his wife.

Her eyes are dark now, and her nipples are puckered against the slight chill. He notices the indubitable smudges of red lipstick all over his dick, and the sight sends a thrill through him.

River drops one hand between her legs and begins to touch herself, unable to ignore the throbbing any longer. Her movements become erratic, and the Doctor watches, completely enthralled with the spectacle below him. He feels his orgasm approach quickly, and tries to warn her.

"River, I'm gonna–

She grins and sucks hard, and he collapses against the console with a howl, violently pulsing into her mouth. River swallows all of it.

"Fuck, River!" he exclaims, breathless.

She stands up, that familiar smirk planted on her face as her tongue sweeps over her lips one final time.

"Mmm, I do love it when you talk dirty, sweetie." She purrs.

River takes his hand and forces it between her thighs. The Doctor rights himself, finally recovered from his orgasm, and moves his fingers.

"Rassilon, you're so wet." He whispers.

Her breathing is labored, and she lets out wispy pants as his fingers dance around her delicate petals.

"Doctor, I need you inside. Now!"

He gives her one of his lopsided grins. "Patience, Song."

Unpleased with his answer, River takes things into her own hands, pun intended, and jumps onto him, wrapping her legs around his back and sliding his cock into her in one, very impressive movement. Two hearts meant double the blood flow down south, so his refractory period was practically nonexistent.

"Oh, _" she sighs, as his eyes darken upon hearing his name. He begins to pump.

River starts moaning loudly as he settles into _that_ spot inside her. The Doctor spins them around, placing her arse on the console for support. Her arms clench behind her, griping for anything as she leaned back. He fit so perfectly inside her, and each time he slammed home, it knocked the wind out of her to the point her respiratory bypass had to kick in.

"Urgh, shit, River." He's pounding into her with all his power, and she is screaming loud enough to be heard at the end of the universe.

She starts to see stars, and the Doctor, using his last ounce of cognition, remembers to squeeze his hand between the two of them and massage her clit.

River screams his name as she comes, clenching around him, and he follows shortly after, but not before one of her erratic movements bumped a random bit of machinery and catapulted the TARDIS out of the vortex. Too caught up in the throes of passion, neither of them realized what was happening until the TARDIS' equilibrium was knocked askew, tossing its inhabitants about like salad.

River and the Doctor were thrown to the ground, still joined from their excursion.

"River, what the hell did you do?" He yelled, still trying to catch his breath.

"What did I do? How do you know it wasn't you, considering you were the one who was shagging me on the console?"

He slides out of her, grabbing onto a pole as the TARDIS abruptly tilted in the opposite direction, sending loose bits slamming into the walls. She was forcefully rolled away from him, hand darting out and grabbing onto the nearest thing she was able to hold on to. Her body could not stop its momentum and her legs continued to curl while her upper half was stationary.

"Oi! You were the one who showed up and seduced me!" he pointed out, trying to get his delicate parts back into his pants. River's robe fluttered past her, and she just managed to snatch it before it flew out of reach.

"Maybe if you would visit your wife at Storm Cage more often, she wouldn't have to seek you out for a shag!" She impressively maneuvered into the robe.

The Doctor was able to pull himself upright and stumbled over to the console, trying to stop the TARDIS from violently shuddering. "River, as much as I love spending time with you, it isn't exactly easy to find you in our discombobulated time streams. And besides, you have that vortex manipulator now to show up whenever you decide." He was flung again, but managed to hold onto the console and slid to the other side.

River lunged, diving at the console. Her hand wrapped around the closest knob it could reach. "I know, sweetie. I plan on it. Reversed time streams definitely keep us on our toes, though." She grinned smugly.

"If you call being thrown about the TARDIS on our toes, yes." He started twisting doohickeys and pulling knobs.

"Oh, you're such a–

WHAM!

The TARDIS crashed into something with a sudden halt, sending River and The Doctor careening into the hallway… right through the door that contained swimming pool #63. A loud splash followed suit.

The Doctor surfaced, sputtering, trying to blink the water out of his eyes. River came up next to him.

He looked at her, smoothing his hair back. "This is the second time this happened! Remind me to never leave a swimming pool right outside the control room ever again."

River pushed a wet curl from her face. "Duly noted, sweetie."

The Doctor waded to the pool's edge and hoisted himself out, shaking out the excess water he was drenched with.

"Mmm, you look absolutely delicious when you're wet." River pulled herself out and yanked his head down to hers in a fiery kiss.

He flailed about once again, pulling away. "River now is not the time! I need to figure out what the bloody hell we just crashed into!"

River followed him as he hastily returned to the control room to survey the damage. Smoke was billowing from the center, and he groaned.

"Brilliant." He mumbled, not caring that he was dripping water everywhere.

"When are we?" River inquired, searching for the button that brings down the monitor. The Doctor beat her to it. The monitor descended and he studied it, beating the offending machinery when the signal sputtered. Finally, the screen was clear enough for him to read it.

"We are 4.45 billion years in the past, but I'm not sure where exactly, as the locator unit is currently in a heap of bits over there," he pointed to a steaming pile of metal.

"Let's go have a look, shall we?" River started towards the door.

The Time Lord couple risked a glance at each other before they nudged open the worn blue doors of the TARDIS. All they could see was a turquoise blue.

They stuck their heads out, trying to figure out their surroundings. It appeared that the TARDIS was moving away from whatever blue thing was in front of them.

"Whatever this is, we seem to be moving away from it. We should be able to see where we are in a few minutes."

Finally able to break through all of the commotion, the TARDIS made a high pitched rumbling noise akin to a growl. She sent them the mental equivalent of a slap.

"Oi! What was that for, old girl?" The Doctor rubbed his head.

"Why'd you do it to me? It was _his_ fault!" River exclaimed.

The TARDIS conjured an image of _both_ of them engaged in their prior activity on the console, and once again mentally slapped them.

"Ok, fine, no more shagging on the console." The Doctor told her.

They stuck their heads outside again, and finally, they had zoomed out view of what was in front of them.

River stared, dumbfounded. "Doctor, is that…"

He swallowed, not believing what he was seeing.

In front of them was the planet Uranus, from the Milky Way galaxy. A lovely planet, home to the finest booty dancing in the universe, except its rings were going vertical instead of horizontal, its rotation wobbling slightly from the recent impact.

The Doctor's tongue snuck out to moisten his suddenly dry lips. "I think we just knocked Uranus onto its side."

River looked at him, then at the planet, and then back at him. A cursory moment of silence passed before she snorted and burst into full-fledged guffaws.

He stared at her incredulously. "River, this is NOT funny. We just changed the entire axial rotation of a planet. Do you know what ill effects could arise from that?"

She continued to chuckle as she wiped tears from her eyes. "In case you hadn't noticed, Uranus was always sideways in the future, sweetie. Now we know why."

"It was thought to have been knocked onto its side by a harsh impact early in its life, not from…" he trailed, realizing what he was saying.

"Doctor, it is 4.45 billion years ago, mind you."

"We collided with enough force that the momentum sent us right back through its gravitational field, explaining why we aren't getting pulled back in. The TARDIS must've activated the hyper-speed settings."

Indeed. While her thief and the time child were caught up in their shenanigans (on top of her _invaluable_ machinery, mind you), she did the best she could to minimize any damage that might occur and keep her inhabitants safe.

The Doctor suddenly burst into obnoxious laughter, finally processing the absurdity of the situation as he pulled his sopping wet wife against him. She continued to laugh as well.

Something else dawned upon him, and he laughed even harder, to the point where his respiratory bypass had to take over.

River noted the change in his expression. "What?"

"Your arse is what knocked Uranus onto its side. Oh the irony!"

She convulsed after he managed to say that to her. The two of them sunk to the ground, wiping tears from their eyes.

Oh, she could not wait to add this one to her journal.


End file.
